Grief.

I am actually carving out time to write today.  It has been way too long.  I think that one reason it is difficult for me to write is because it makes me think too much.  Writing forces me to be completely honest with myself and my feelings about my life.  I cannot live in the land of denial, when I'm forced to face it through writing.  So, I've put it off for far too long!

Just a few days ago I did some retrospection and realized something about myself. I have been trying to figure out for several months now what is wrong with me.  I have been depressed before, so I knew it wasn't that.  I just knew that I felt totally numb, apathetic, and a bit cynical.  I could not get out of my slump.  I was having a difficult time praying about it, which used to be my first course of action.  I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because I didn't think anyone would understand. Heck! I didn't even understand! I couldn't explain my feelings, I just knew that there was something wrong with me.  Then, after some prayer I realized that I had been in mourning.  I realized that I was going through the stages of grief.  I had been grieving all these months and not realized it.  This had never occurred to me before! I never considered that I had anything to grieve about.  After all, I have a great, loving family.  I'm healthy (reasonably). I have a husband who loves me and my children and would do anything for us.  I have a good job with co-workers I consider my friends.  So, what in the world do I have to grieve about?   Then I got real with myself and realized I was grieving for the life I thought I would have.  I was grieving for my child and her multiple disabilities.  I was grieving for the life I thought she'd have.  Grieving for the times that we can't be together as I imagined we should be as a family.  For the times when we're all sent in different directions just to be able to manage. 

It never occurred to me that a parent would grieve a loss when their child is present with them everyday.  Then I googled it (thank goodness for google huh?).  And I found that I'm not the only one.  As alone as I may feel sometimes.  I am not the only one.  Then, I talked to my husband a little bit and realized that he had been grieving too.  How dare me feel all alone on this big planet when I had someone in the under the same roof as me, in my very own bed, who was going through the exact same thing?

So instead of letting this grief overtake us and divide us, we are choosing to let it bring us together. 

We spent hours talking the other night just about the most random things.  It started with an argument

and ended in us being closer and feeling closer than we have in a long time.  He says I never

 write about him on my blog.  But, I love that man!  He is my rock. my love. my partner. 

I am truly blessed.

I would like to think that my grieving is over, but I am not completely sure.  I know that I feel better than I have in a long time, but I want to be honest with myself.  I continue to pray for my baby's healing as I love her through all of this.  Pray for us and I'll pray for you.

Kennedy Update:  She was supposed to have surgery yesterday, but the surgeon's office called to cancel due to an emergency in his family.  I was so upset that I cried.  The lady kept telling me how it was out of their control & there was nothing they could do, but I was probably crying because it was out of my control and there was nothing I could do.  I have waited for her to have this tethered cord surgery since April or May.  They were booked for the summer.  She was not well in August, then again in Sept. and now we've rescheduled again.  I cannot even explain all that goes into preparing 6 people for that surgery.  There are out of town family members, packing, school pick-up arrangements, disappointed children, anxiety, and even more that is involved with going to a hospital out of town.  Then, there's the issue of keeping Kennedy completely well for 2 more weeks!  No small feat there.  But, we'll do our best.  We are just praying that when she does have the surgery the timing will be right and all will go well.  We are also praying that this surgery will have a big impact on her constipation (sorry!) and motor functioning.