Monday, February 28, 2011

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

You'd love her anyway

In response to some of the well-meaning, silly things people say when you have a child with a disability, I left this comment on a fellow-mom's Blog the other day: 

I tend to believe the quote: "God doesn't call the qualified, but He qualifies the called."  We're not special, but we're willing, and that's a big deal to God. I was listening to a lady's testimony that had a difficult time getting pregnant and then she FINALLY did, and the baby was born with many, many birth defects and died days later.  In her frustration she asked God "Why?" and she said the answer came, "Because I knew you would love her anyway." That's been more than 10 years ago, but it stuck with me and now I know why.  So, when I'm feeling particularly frustrated and asking God "Why?" I think, "Because He knew I'd love her anyway." He also knew my weaknesses and failures would cause me to run TO Him and not FROM Him and He can't say that for everyone. 

I was thinking about the often OVERUSED quote, "God won't put more on you than you can bear."  It's a quote that's used many times with things that God never put on us.  The loving God I know doesn't go around "putting" things on people, trying to see who can bear the most.  I've thought many times about what that quote means.  As a younger Christian I thought it simply meant, God won't put too much on you. But then I began to think, what is too much? If it were up to us to decide what "too much" meant, we would've cried Uncle! a long time ago.  Does "too much" mean, he won't let it kill you?  I'm sorry folks, but barely living is not good enough for me.  It's not what my life was meant to be about. 

As a more experienced Christian I am inclined to think it means, God will allow you to bear just enough that you will gain wisdom, strength, and the knowledge that you need Him.  I don't despise anything that I've been through because ultimately, it has taught me to cry out to Him more than any pulpit message could ever do.  And your "cry out" point is not necessarily my "cry out" point---Oh, I had a difficult time with this at first. I had a difficult time understanding why it seemed some people got to breeze through live obliviously while others were forced to stumble? I had to let this line of questioning go because I finally learned that some things are beyond human understanding.  Some things aren't even intended for human understanding.  Another lesson I learned was that you don't want to EV-ER try to walk in another man's shoes. Comparing yourself to others will lead you nowhere.  Nobody has their version of easy, because, like I said before, every person's cry out point is different.  Some of the same people that say things to me like, "I don't know how you do it", I look at those people's lives and think the very same thing.  Besides, everything that glitters ain't gold.

I believe He will allow us to go through things that are meant to strengthen our muscles, while drawing us close to Him at the same time.  Unused muscles don't get stronger right?  It's the same in the spiritual sense as well.  We have to know that it is "not by our might, but by His spirit".  That's a BIG lesson I've had to learn the hard way, still learning actually.  We have to willingly give up the wheel because He won't force us to do so.  He also likes to be able to use our lives as testimonies.  I heard Jay-Z say the other day that he has learned so much from failure, but he was still trying to figure out how to learn from success.  I think it's so true that we learn so much from our tests and trials, not when things are going great.  So, even though it is difficult at times, I try to do two things:  Let my life be a living testimony to the goodness, grace, and mercy of God & learn from the times where I failed, stumbled, struggled, or didn't even try.  I hope that's what He's asking of me.  I think it is.  I think it's what He's asking of all of us.  Pray for me in the times when I stumble through it all, as well as the times when it looked like I got it right.  Be blessed.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Twins are 2

Yesterday was Kennedy & Kadence's birthdays.  They turned 2!!!!!  In some ways it feels like we've been together way longer than two years, but in other ways I know that time is whizzing by.  And oh, what a difference a year makes!  This time last year, we gave both babies the traditional first birthday individual cake for them to play in and make a mess with.  But last year, developmentally, Kennedy was unable to do that.  She was not even eating food yet.  Oh, but this year, we got what we asked for!  She made the biggest mess with just 1 cupcake and some of it even got in her mouth. It was the most adorable mess we've ever seen. She had a great time with it.
Kadence on the other hand is advanced for his age and is already well into his "Terrible Twos" early!  He is now refusing to smile for cameras, so we have to tickle him and trick him to get him to smile.  Here is the end result of that.   That boy is such a stinker!

Funny how time flies isn't it?  I still remember very clearly finding out I was pregnant with twins, being considered a high-risk pregnancy and being put on bed rest, then having the twins at 37 weeks.   It was all a very, very difficult time.  Kennedy spent 3 weeks in the NICU and I was devastated to have to go home without her. We didn't know what was going on with her then, we just knew that every day when we would go visit her, the NICU doctor would tell us about something else they had found "wrong" with her.  I can remember being in the room where they did my C-section and getting to see Kadence right away.  But, when I asked to see Kennedy, all the professionals in the room would get eerily quiet.  The kind of silence that gave me chills.  All the nurses got busy on Kennedy right away as soon as she was born and I didn't even get to hold her until the end of the day.  I can remember feeling like I was watching the scene from floating above my bed.  I knew I had come in with two babies, but I wasn't sure if I was going to get to keep two.  They reassured me several times from my paralyzed (from the waist down) state on the operating table that Kennedy was alright.  "Then, why can't I hold her?  Why can't I see her?"  No one gave me answers.  It's the same feeling I got when the professionals came from Nashville to do my ultrasounds once a month.  You knew there were things they weren't saying. Things they were saying once you left the room.  But, alas, both babies were born whole, and born beautiful I might add.  And I get to keep them both.

We are very very blessed to have come this far.  God touches our lives each and every day.  My life has not been the same since these two were born.  I am a much more thankful and thoughtful person.  I don't have time to slow down and complain about things.  No time for big pity parties (though sometimes I admit, I throw mini ones).  Small gestures go a long way.  And staying close to good friends and family is crucial.  God bless you all!  Happy Birthday Kadence & Kennedy!