Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
You'd love her anyway
In response to some of the well-meaning, silly things people say when you have a child with a disability, I left this comment on a fellow-mom's Blog the other day:
I was thinking about the often OVERUSED quote, "God won't put more on you than you can bear." It's a quote that's used many times with things that God never put on us. The loving God I know doesn't go around "putting" things on people, trying to see who can bear the most. I've thought many times about what that quote means. As a younger Christian I thought it simply meant, God won't put too much on you. But then I began to think, what is too much? If it were up to us to decide what "too much" meant, we would've cried Uncle! a long time ago. Does "too much" mean, he won't let it kill you? I'm sorry folks, but barely living is not good enough for me. It's not what my life was meant to be about.
As a more experienced Christian I am inclined to think it means, God will allow you to bear just enough that you will gain wisdom, strength, and the knowledge that you need Him. I don't despise anything that I've been through because ultimately, it has taught me to cry out to Him more than any pulpit message could ever do. And your "cry out" point is not necessarily my "cry out" point---Oh, I had a difficult time with this at first. I had a difficult time understanding why it seemed some people got to breeze through live obliviously while others were forced to stumble? I had to let this line of questioning go because I finally learned that some things are beyond human understanding. Some things aren't even intended for human understanding. Another lesson I learned was that you don't want to EV-ER try to walk in another man's shoes. Comparing yourself to others will lead you nowhere. Nobody has their version of easy, because, like I said before, every person's cry out point is different. Some of the same people that say things to me like, "I don't know how you do it", I look at those people's lives and think the very same thing. Besides, everything that glitters ain't gold.
I believe He will allow us to go through things that are meant to strengthen our muscles, while drawing us close to Him at the same time. Unused muscles don't get stronger right? It's the same in the spiritual sense as well. We have to know that it is "not by our might, but by His spirit". That's a BIG lesson I've had to learn the hard way, still learning actually. We have to willingly give up the wheel because He won't force us to do so. He also likes to be able to use our lives as testimonies. I heard Jay-Z say the other day that he has learned so much from failure, but he was still trying to figure out how to learn from success. I think it's so true that we learn so much from our tests and trials, not when things are going great. So, even though it is difficult at times, I try to do two things: Let my life be a living testimony to the goodness, grace, and mercy of God & learn from the times where I failed, stumbled, struggled, or didn't even try. I hope that's what He's asking of me. I think it is. I think it's what He's asking of all of us. Pray for me in the times when I stumble through it all, as well as the times when it looked like I got it right. Be blessed.
I tend to believe the quote: "God doesn't call the qualified, but He qualifies the called." We're not special, but we're willing, and that's a big deal to God. I was listening to a lady's testimony that had a difficult time getting pregnant and then she FINALLY did, and the baby was born with many, many birth defects and died days later. In her frustration she asked God "Why?" and she said the answer came, "Because I knew you would love her anyway." That's been more than 10 years ago, but it stuck with me and now I know why. So, when I'm feeling particularly frustrated and asking God "Why?" I think, "Because He knew I'd love her anyway." He also knew my weaknesses and failures would cause me to run TO Him and not FROM Him and He can't say that for everyone.
I was thinking about the often OVERUSED quote, "God won't put more on you than you can bear." It's a quote that's used many times with things that God never put on us. The loving God I know doesn't go around "putting" things on people, trying to see who can bear the most. I've thought many times about what that quote means. As a younger Christian I thought it simply meant, God won't put too much on you. But then I began to think, what is too much? If it were up to us to decide what "too much" meant, we would've cried Uncle! a long time ago. Does "too much" mean, he won't let it kill you? I'm sorry folks, but barely living is not good enough for me. It's not what my life was meant to be about.
As a more experienced Christian I am inclined to think it means, God will allow you to bear just enough that you will gain wisdom, strength, and the knowledge that you need Him. I don't despise anything that I've been through because ultimately, it has taught me to cry out to Him more than any pulpit message could ever do. And your "cry out" point is not necessarily my "cry out" point---Oh, I had a difficult time with this at first. I had a difficult time understanding why it seemed some people got to breeze through live obliviously while others were forced to stumble? I had to let this line of questioning go because I finally learned that some things are beyond human understanding. Some things aren't even intended for human understanding. Another lesson I learned was that you don't want to EV-ER try to walk in another man's shoes. Comparing yourself to others will lead you nowhere. Nobody has their version of easy, because, like I said before, every person's cry out point is different. Some of the same people that say things to me like, "I don't know how you do it", I look at those people's lives and think the very same thing. Besides, everything that glitters ain't gold.
I believe He will allow us to go through things that are meant to strengthen our muscles, while drawing us close to Him at the same time. Unused muscles don't get stronger right? It's the same in the spiritual sense as well. We have to know that it is "not by our might, but by His spirit". That's a BIG lesson I've had to learn the hard way, still learning actually. We have to willingly give up the wheel because He won't force us to do so. He also likes to be able to use our lives as testimonies. I heard Jay-Z say the other day that he has learned so much from failure, but he was still trying to figure out how to learn from success. I think it's so true that we learn so much from our tests and trials, not when things are going great. So, even though it is difficult at times, I try to do two things: Let my life be a living testimony to the goodness, grace, and mercy of God & learn from the times where I failed, stumbled, struggled, or didn't even try. I hope that's what He's asking of me. I think it is. I think it's what He's asking of all of us. Pray for me in the times when I stumble through it all, as well as the times when it looked like I got it right. Be blessed.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Twins are 2
Kadence on the other hand is advanced for his age and is already well into his "Terrible Twos" early! He is now refusing to smile for cameras, so we have to tickle him and trick him to get him to smile. Here is the end result of that. That boy is such a stinker!
Funny how time flies isn't it? I still remember very clearly finding out I was pregnant with twins, being considered a high-risk pregnancy and being put on bed rest, then having the twins at 37 weeks. It was all a very, very difficult time. Kennedy spent 3 weeks in the NICU and I was devastated to have to go home without her. We didn't know what was going on with her then, we just knew that every day when we would go visit her, the NICU doctor would tell us about something else they had found "wrong" with her. I can remember being in the room where they did my C-section and getting to see Kadence right away. But, when I asked to see Kennedy, all the professionals in the room would get eerily quiet. The kind of silence that gave me chills. All the nurses got busy on Kennedy right away as soon as she was born and I didn't even get to hold her until the end of the day. I can remember feeling like I was watching the scene from floating above my bed. I knew I had come in with two babies, but I wasn't sure if I was going to get to keep two. They reassured me several times from my paralyzed (from the waist down) state on the operating table that Kennedy was alright. "Then, why can't I hold her? Why can't I see her?" No one gave me answers. It's the same feeling I got when the professionals came from Nashville to do my ultrasounds once a month. You knew there were things they weren't saying. Things they were saying once you left the room. But, alas, both babies were born whole, and born beautiful I might add. And I get to keep them both.
Kadence
Kennedy
We are very very blessed to have come this far. God touches our lives each and every day. My life has not been the same since these two were born. I am a much more thankful and thoughtful person. I don't have time to slow down and complain about things. No time for big pity parties (though sometimes I admit, I throw mini ones). Small gestures go a long way. And staying close to good friends and family is crucial. God bless you all! Happy Birthday Kadence & Kennedy!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Charity
Don’t really know what I’m going to write about today. Not that my life hasn’t been eventful, it’s just a matter of choosing which events to write about. Right now, 3 of the 4 kids are under the weather. Christopher has the flu, Destiny has an ear infection, and Kennedy’s just feeling yucky. Half the time we don’t really know what’s wrong with her, but we definitely know when she’s not feeling well. We will be so grateful when she can actually communicate with us and tell us what is hurting her. Right now we get lots of whining and lots of crying, especially in the middle of the night, when she’s not feeling well. It’s a guessing game that requires us to cooperate in ways we never imagined.
On a personal note, I am feeling so spiritually full and encouraged! We have been going through a bit of a revival of sorts at our church lately. God has been doing awesome things! I keep getting confirmation after confirmation of His love for me. I don’t take any of it for granted. I’m so thankful for the people that He’s placed in our lives. I read this quote by Maya Angelou: To be charitable with gestures and words can bring enormous joy and repair injured feelings. That said a mouthful for me! Her writing was discussing the difference between philanthropy and charity. She discussed how philanthropy usually comes in the form of gifts and/or money, but charity can come in all forms. How it does come in all forms for our family! From the kind word, to the heartfelt smile, to the offer for babysitting, and even money! I just pray that I am able to be as charitable, or more, to others as others have been to me. We know from the Bible that the root of charity is love. “And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these [is] charity.” –I Corinthians 13:13BTW, Kennedy's surgery went great. The doctor said that once he “got in there”, the tethering was minor. The doctors and staff at the hospital were great. We only had once nurse that didn’t get it, but overall, it was fine. She is recovering well. Kennedy update: Her tethered cord release went well. She was supposed to get tubes in her ears a few weeks ago, but was not feeling well enough for surgery. She does not get to see her cleft palate doctor until April, which we’re pretty annoyed about since we’ve BEEN ready for the palate to be repaired! We’re praying that it’s all in God’s timing though.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Holiday Pictures
One of the pics from our Christmas card.
Christmas Eve they got to open their Christmas jammies
Happy 7th birthday to Christopher whose stuck with a December birthday.
This is my beautiful family (minus 1 nephew). The two in the middle are my parents.
This is my sister and nephew. Thank God for them!
Kennie Bug
Kadence and his mischevious look. Better believe he's plotting something.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
My Destiny
I'm so excited about my destiny. I'm so excited about what the future holds for me and my family that at times it feels as though I will burst. I was reading a fellow mom's blog when one of the quotes caught my eye. It said, "Destiny appoints one, but affects many... your destiny will always involve a group of people." (Thanks Allison) To me that line was so awesome! It reminds me that it's not about me. MY own journey is not about me and I'm so glad! I'm so glad to be doing this for others and not just myself. I've always known that my life would have a great purpose. I don't say that to be conceited at all, but it's always been a knowing between myself and God that I would do great things for His purpose. Those things may not be on a national scale, but great things in His eyes, nonetheless.
Even from the time I was a small child I felt the difference in me. I did not always appreciate that difference, but I knew it was there. I even remember a time as a teenager that I prayed that God would harden my heart, not to the point of cruelty, but just to the point where things wouldn't affect me so deeply. Just to the point where I wouldn't be so sensitive about things that most people don't even think about. I was born with such an empathetic heart that it gets exhausting at times. For my good, but for His glory. Let's just say a harder heart is not His will concerning me. I feel so blessed to be in a position that I am finally ready to hear what He has for me to do. I've been taking care of my own agenda for quite some time now and it's time to reign it in. I've been humbled to a point where I can do NOTHING but depend on Him. He knew when He called me that this would not be easy for me. A strongly independent woman having to depend on others for so much. A helper having to ask for help. An inherently shy person being able to share my life and story with others. But those things are part of the process, I'm sure of it.
My family and I have been so blessed this holiday season. We all had a great Christmas and everyone was well! I usually don't ask for anything for Christmas, but this year I asked for a new camera (ok, picked out a camera) and got it. But, not only did I get that, but I got things that no one but God knew I even wanted. That's how much my God cares about me. I'm so very blessed. And the kids were so appreciative of everything, which is something I'm always talking to them about. Not one complaint on Christmas morning without even being reminded. That just blessed my soul. I was able to bless my husband with things he needed as well. He doesn't ever ask for much. Actually all he asked for were t-shirts and socks, which made me want to bless him all the more. We've come a long way as a family. Having 6 people under one roof can be overwhelming, but I cannot imagine our lives without all 6.
Even from the time I was a small child I felt the difference in me. I did not always appreciate that difference, but I knew it was there. I even remember a time as a teenager that I prayed that God would harden my heart, not to the point of cruelty, but just to the point where things wouldn't affect me so deeply. Just to the point where I wouldn't be so sensitive about things that most people don't even think about. I was born with such an empathetic heart that it gets exhausting at times. For my good, but for His glory. Let's just say a harder heart is not His will concerning me. I feel so blessed to be in a position that I am finally ready to hear what He has for me to do. I've been taking care of my own agenda for quite some time now and it's time to reign it in. I've been humbled to a point where I can do NOTHING but depend on Him. He knew when He called me that this would not be easy for me. A strongly independent woman having to depend on others for so much. A helper having to ask for help. An inherently shy person being able to share my life and story with others. But those things are part of the process, I'm sure of it.
My family and I have been so blessed this holiday season. We all had a great Christmas and everyone was well! I usually don't ask for anything for Christmas, but this year I asked for a new camera (ok, picked out a camera) and got it. But, not only did I get that, but I got things that no one but God knew I even wanted. That's how much my God cares about me. I'm so very blessed. And the kids were so appreciative of everything, which is something I'm always talking to them about. Not one complaint on Christmas morning without even being reminded. That just blessed my soul. I was able to bless my husband with things he needed as well. He doesn't ever ask for much. Actually all he asked for were t-shirts and socks, which made me want to bless him all the more. We've come a long way as a family. Having 6 people under one roof can be overwhelming, but I cannot imagine our lives without all 6.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Grief.
I am actually carving out time to write today. It has been way too long. I think that one reason it is difficult for me to write is because it makes me think too much. Writing forces me to be completely honest with myself and my feelings about my life. I cannot live in the land of denial, when I'm forced to face it through writing. So, I've put it off for far too long!
Just a few days ago I did some retrospection and realized something about myself. I have been trying to figure out for several months now what is wrong with me. I have been depressed before, so I knew it wasn't that. I just knew that I felt totally numb, apathetic, and a bit cynical. I could not get out of my slump. I was having a difficult time praying about it, which used to be my first course of action. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because I didn't think anyone would understand. Heck! I didn't even understand! I couldn't explain my feelings, I just knew that there was something wrong with me. Then, after some prayer I realized that I had been in mourning. I realized that I was going through the stages of grief. I had been grieving all these months and not realized it. This had never occurred to me before! I never considered that I had anything to grieve about. After all, I have a great, loving family. I'm healthy (reasonably). I have a husband who loves me and my children and would do anything for us. I have a good job with co-workers I consider my friends. So, what in the world do I have to grieve about? Then I got real with myself and realized I was grieving for the life I thought I would have. I was grieving for my child and her multiple disabilities. I was grieving for the life I thought she'd have. Grieving for the times that we can't be together as I imagined we should be as a family. For the times when we're all sent in different directions just to be able to manage.
It never occurred to me that a parent would grieve a loss when their child is present with them everyday. Then I googled it (thank goodness for google huh?). And I found that I'm not the only one. As alone as I may feel sometimes. I am not the only one. Then, I talked to my husband a little bit and realized that he had been grieving too. How dare me feel all alone on this big planet when I had someone in the under the same roof as me, in my very own bed, who was going through the exact same thing?
Kennedy Update: She was supposed to have surgery yesterday, but the surgeon's office called to cancel due to an emergency in his family. I was so upset that I cried. The lady kept telling me how it was out of their control & there was nothing they could do, but I was probably crying because it was out of my control and there was nothing I could do. I have waited for her to have this tethered cord surgery since April or May. They were booked for the summer. She was not well in August, then again in Sept. and now we've rescheduled again. I cannot even explain all that goes into preparing 6 people for that surgery. There are out of town family members, packing, school pick-up arrangements, disappointed children, anxiety, and even more that is involved with going to a hospital out of town. Then, there's the issue of keeping Kennedy completely well for 2 more weeks! No small feat there. But, we'll do our best. We are just praying that when she does have the surgery the timing will be right and all will go well. We are also praying that this surgery will have a big impact on her constipation (sorry!) and motor functioning.
Just a few days ago I did some retrospection and realized something about myself. I have been trying to figure out for several months now what is wrong with me. I have been depressed before, so I knew it wasn't that. I just knew that I felt totally numb, apathetic, and a bit cynical. I could not get out of my slump. I was having a difficult time praying about it, which used to be my first course of action. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because I didn't think anyone would understand. Heck! I didn't even understand! I couldn't explain my feelings, I just knew that there was something wrong with me. Then, after some prayer I realized that I had been in mourning. I realized that I was going through the stages of grief. I had been grieving all these months and not realized it. This had never occurred to me before! I never considered that I had anything to grieve about. After all, I have a great, loving family. I'm healthy (reasonably). I have a husband who loves me and my children and would do anything for us. I have a good job with co-workers I consider my friends. So, what in the world do I have to grieve about? Then I got real with myself and realized I was grieving for the life I thought I would have. I was grieving for my child and her multiple disabilities. I was grieving for the life I thought she'd have. Grieving for the times that we can't be together as I imagined we should be as a family. For the times when we're all sent in different directions just to be able to manage.
It never occurred to me that a parent would grieve a loss when their child is present with them everyday. Then I googled it (thank goodness for google huh?). And I found that I'm not the only one. As alone as I may feel sometimes. I am not the only one. Then, I talked to my husband a little bit and realized that he had been grieving too. How dare me feel all alone on this big planet when I had someone in the under the same roof as me, in my very own bed, who was going through the exact same thing?
So instead of letting this grief overtake us and divide us, we are choosing to let it bring us together.
We spent hours talking the other night just about the most random things. It started with an argument
and ended in us being closer and feeling closer than we have in a long time. He says I never
write about him on my blog. But, I love that man! He is my rock. my love. my partner.
I am truly blessed.
I would like to think that my grieving is over, but I am not completely sure. I know that I feel better than I have in a long time, but I want to be honest with myself. I continue to pray for my baby's healing as I love her through all of this. Pray for us and I'll pray for you.
Kennedy Update: She was supposed to have surgery yesterday, but the surgeon's office called to cancel due to an emergency in his family. I was so upset that I cried. The lady kept telling me how it was out of their control & there was nothing they could do, but I was probably crying because it was out of my control and there was nothing I could do. I have waited for her to have this tethered cord surgery since April or May. They were booked for the summer. She was not well in August, then again in Sept. and now we've rescheduled again. I cannot even explain all that goes into preparing 6 people for that surgery. There are out of town family members, packing, school pick-up arrangements, disappointed children, anxiety, and even more that is involved with going to a hospital out of town. Then, there's the issue of keeping Kennedy completely well for 2 more weeks! No small feat there. But, we'll do our best. We are just praying that when she does have the surgery the timing will be right and all will go well. We are also praying that this surgery will have a big impact on her constipation (sorry!) and motor functioning.
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